The Paradox of Wisdom: Dan’s Memoirs of Chaos

Posted on May 5, 2026 in English

Chapter 1: The Big Picture and Little Truths

Hello,

My name is Dan. Something just clicked today, and unfortunately, I now see the big picture which, up until a week ago, I hadn’t been able to see before. The detail in it makes so much more sense, and as with anyone who accomplished something they never thought possible and has an inflated ego, I had to write it down as a kind of trophy to my accomplishment. Believe me, I deserve it.

As a basis for understanding what the hell I’m going on about, let’s begin here:

There are a few truths to this world that you know but can’t quite figure out the words for. I bet you think you would sound so much cooler if you could—wise and respected. Money, power, etc., would all be yours. Maybe even a sheep, depending on your preferences.

As it turns out, everything but the sheep is complete bullshit.

There are “little t” truths to this world that can be proven for certain people, and only for a certain amount of time under certain conditions. Many identify that as coincidence, while most simply identify it as a temporary pattern. There is no permanency, no “capital T” to be found for us because that very thing which makes us unique individuals presents a type of chaos preventing “T” from existing. Hence, there is no God.

I always thought that was a sad way of living one’s life, and it presumes we are “chaotic” enough to matter. (In case you missed it, that was a pun.) Yet if you happen to get lucky and are able to describe this world’s supposed “empirical,” “cannot-be-wrong,” “proven beyond a doubt,” “big T” Truths, you would come to the realization that to anyone else, the combination would make you sound deranged and quite sick.

As my lead-in might have suggested, I am absolutely sick—in more ways than one.

Case in point: I have the ability to act on what others know without knowing what it is they actually know, leaving me in what feels like a perpetual state of confusion. I have very little control over how that happens, who that benefits, who it affects, or if I do it at all. I am always reading and learning things because I have a vacuum cleaner for a brain, which is apropos because people frequently tell me I suck. I moonlight as a troubleshooter of sorts to save up for a house in a more remote location (read: antisocial) and frequently like building things that are functional but don’t make sense visually. My favorite color is blood red, though I hate the sight of blood, and I love sci-fi fantasy. I also sleep with a sheep whose name is Squeak, who tries to protect me from this rock-and-molten-lava world that seems to set in motion events to get a rise out of me.

I feel like the last part requires some additional explanation: the world, whom I lovingly call “big T,” gives fuck-all about my individualism or choices, opting to put me in situations I neither deserve nor have any right to participate in, leaving me with very little control over the resulting events save for my apparent unlimited ability to learn, seemingly for the purposes of His entertainment.

So… if you are keen on observing how this combination of unfortunate truths will unfold, then you are probably more sick than I am, and I guarantee none of the contents herein will improve upon your situation. However, if you just want to feel better about your own life, please enjoy my enclosed memoirs.

-Dan

Chapter 2: The Lecture on Wisdom and Knowledge

Welcome to my memoirs. I’m going to throw some context and psychology at you first so that you understand why things happened the way they did, and why I was… like that. I would say “try to keep up,” but part of me wishes that some of my embarrassment might be forgotten in the confusion and smart-sounding words.

So, imagine if you will a person who has all the knowledge they want and more, but without the ability to use it wisely. If not a librarian, those types of people usually turn into what is known as an “ass.” We also know them as “dead before their time.” I tend to encourage the latter.

Now take that expectation and flip it around. What would a person be like who had all the wisdom they could ever want and more, but without being aware of what it applies to? That’s right, you’d have me.

That almost doesn’t seem possible, does it? I mean, it’s just common sense that you can’t have wisdom without first having the associated knowledge as ammunition to foster its development. Knowledge always precedes wisdom… right?

Nope, you should have known it wasn’t going to be that easy. Sometimes you use wisdom to figure out your need to obtain more knowledge or a different type of knowledge… which then usually (but not always) leads to developing more wisdom to make use of your newly acquired knowledge. In truth, they exist at the same time. One does not come before the other, even though one can be of greater… let’s say quantity… than the other.

That’s how it’s supposed to work. I, being the genius that I was, of course, felt differently. Notice how I did not use a capital “T.”

We were all born with the ability to choose, and those of us who realize the power in that ability are able to gain an advantage over those that don’t. There is always a choice, even if making it would cause absolute chaos and destroy that which you hold most dear. People who are given a difficult decision and say “that is not a choice” are idiots. I am one of those that realizes the power in choice and, as you will see, it is probably one of my few saving graces, even though the majority of the choices I make clearly do not win me any popularity contests.

It has been said that our own choices shape our lives. I, however, now firmly believe that my own choices can be predicted well enough that I can be forced down a certain path if certain options are removed. This is commonly perceived as “fate,” while I know it as “some jackass who thinks they’re better than me and is going to meet me in person one night in a dark alley to reap the benefits of my ‘gift.'” If that sounded sexual in nature, that was not my intent. I just wanted to articulate my non-existent badass violent tendencies in an imaginary situation to make myself seem more awesome. I only admit that because this is the least of my flaws.

I said that to lay the foundation of this common assumption about the world: people do not just obtain skills like in a video game. They are learned over time, and perfected the same. There is no store to trade gold for new talents or spells or what have you. You simply have to decide what you need and begin learning it with the resources available to you. You almost always decide what you need to learn based on a series of events which are based on your own personality, environment, and of course, needs.

That’s also an accepted way things work. Notice how I didn’t even use the word “truth” because, of course, I had to wish it were different. If I had the choice to go back and wish it again, I would rather wish to have my face caved in and used as a spittoon.

Still with me? Great. I hope you see where this is headed. I sure didn’t.

Eventually, you will come to realize that this world doesn’t care one iota if you ever achieve the skills you want or need, if you can use them properly, or what comes of it if you do. Should you fail or come to some bitter end, well… let’s just say this world can never have an abundance of dust. If you think of the Sonoran Desert, you can pretty much quantify how much failure exists in this part of the world. If you think to yourself “gee, that’s not much,” then go to an online map and zoom out. You will notice that there are many other deserts in the same general vicinity, some of which are bigger. The failure is real.

On the flip side, if you are unfortunate enough to encounter this like I did, you will also find that the world is very much interested in how you think it works. Not because of a natural ambivalent grace by a higher power, but because apparently much fun can be had by implementing whatever sad reality you’ve made yourself believe. I very briefly was touched by such an occurrence. I knew the moment it happened, but couldn’t put my finger on what exactly did happen. Even now I find that describing it takes just about all my concentration because of its ethereal and unreal nature.

Put into layman’s terms: I think the world does care about us, but only in the same way we might care about an anticipated video game, or other form of interactive entertainment. When the world chooses to act, it rolls a mental dice with an infinite number of sides to randomly choose how the environment will exist when us poor mortals need to interact with it.

As you probably have figured out by now, I have implied that my most wise and conditioned assumptions about the world and how it works for most people just simply doesn’t apply to me most of the time anymore. That is because, when the world farted and enveloped me with one of its whims, things became more difficult for me. However, from a third-person perspective, it was probably entertaining.

So, now that the foundation has been laid and the outside pieces of the puzzle are all connected, let’s start filling in the center and get some specifics on what exactly DID happen.

[placeholder for description of events that got me to where I am]

Now that you know how it happened, you can begin to appreciate the impact it would have on everyday life. So, ask yourself a few interesting questions:

1. What do you think the effect would be on a person who is uber-wise but not equally knowledgeable?
2. How do you think that same individual would behave on a day-to-day basis?
3. How do you think that would impact those around him?

In terms of assimilating knowledge, I get a bonus. It’s almost like my attempts at trying to fix an unnatural balance are rewarded. When a normal person tries to learn something, they are subconsciously trying to understand what they are assimilating rather than just remembering the facts from it. I don’t have to understand it because I instantly do—even if the knowledge is brand new to me. It matters not how complicated the subject, I somehow just learn it. I consider it like a superpower, and I get to benefit from this when I turn to my hobby of building things.

Everything else is most certainly a negative. Let’s begin with my naivety: I thought that building cool shit with my newfound “smarts” meant I would be popular and rich and without want. I should have boned up on my psychology first.

To be fair, it is likely anyone given such an “amazing gift” would only think of the significance of the moment… if by “amazing” you mean perpetually exploding social pipe-bombs super-glued to your nether regions and face. They would not immediately realize that time, place, and what we perceive as “reality” are no longer determining factors in your behavior. That’s right folks: you get to obtain what goths around the world would give up their liver and a month’s worth of mascara for… anonymity without effort.

…at least that’s how it seemed to me at the time. Things became very clear very quickly just days later when I spoke with my friends. You just can’t erase interpersonal interactions. It’s almost like that’s a cardinal Truth of some sort… though I am sure one day the world will give a middle finger to that as well. As I came to realize, I have a bottled-up effect: with little to no social identity, interpersonal interactions are magnified… by a LOT. People react stronger to me than they should, my voice becomes more dominant (different than masculine—which would have been preferred) and takes on a type of permanency in people’s minds when you address them directly. This isn’t mind control or a type of hypnotic suggestion. I know about those things and they are even documented… you can actually research them! This is something altogether different, undocumented, and much more chaotic. You can never really predict what comes of it and you can never turn it off. You can only choose to interact or not interact depending on your desire to spare or screw the individual in question. Either choice is magnified.

Going back to the video game analogy, let’s see how things have changed:

When the world backfires in your face and you get a good whiff of a “gift,” you are essentially granted a high-level skill, with zero instructions on how it is used. In fact, it happens so infrequently that most people who get a “skill” (though I might call it more of an unlearned trait) don’t even know what has happened and very few ever make it part of their lives before they die. Lucky them.

Unfortunately, this is not a video game where high-level skills are unavailable until your character stats reach a certain point. That’s really too bad, because there is a certain satisfying logic to not being able to apply and use a skill until physical/mental requirements are met. Guess what happens when that logic doesn’t apply?

Me. Wisdom without knowledge is simply confusion. In fact, I have found that having so much more of it is strikingly similar to having none at all. I get to constantly reflect on myself and ask all sorts of interesting questions like:

Why did I just do the thing I just did?
Why did it turn out right but so very wrong?
Why won’t people believe me when I say I feel things should be done a certain way—and ignore me—and they still don’t believe me later even as I am continuously proven right?
What happened to my strong interpersonal influence?

They should believe me… but they didn’t, and therefore in their eyes, I was obviously wrong. What sense does that make?

The answer: because it is probably really funny.

No, seriously, there’s some unnecessarily messed up logic here… and I’ve only figured out some of it. For example, someone’s acknowledgment of trends over time as it applies to me apparently qualifies as a social grace and therefore I should be grateful to only be continually shafted as I watch people I have a vested interest in do stupid shit I know they shouldn’t do even after telling them not to—repeatedly—which only seems to reinforce their desire to ignore me and then blame me… but with more emphasis on the blame followed by something inappropriately violent. Jesus, was that all one sentence?

So by now, you know what it is I was “gifted” with. I can use other people’s knowledge better than they can. The only problem is that I don’t “know” what they know. I just react to it like instinct. Even better, the world seems like it WANTS me to succeed in the use of my “gift.” That in itself should be impossible, and I really wish the world would go back to being just a ball of rock with a molten nickel center. Success in this case really just means my failure. Go me. Did I mention I live in a desert?

Cue dramatic entrance. Or should I say, departure.

Chapter 3: Don’t Do It

Wait. What did I just say? Shit. Shit shit shit.

“I hope you die and have your organs donated to people who get mutilated, you creepy sack of garbage!”

*SLAM*

“Well, that’s a new one,” I said to nobody.

Apparently telling the electrician that I hoped she was as good with her hands as she was with figuring out the problem was not the right tack to take.

I really am better with one-word conversations. Still, I would have expected her to look more angry and less frustrated. Then again, I would be frustrated too if I ran out on the job and knew I wasn’t going to get paid.

I probably should not have been standing behind her the whole time either… it’s just that I haven’t had anyone in the house to speak to for this long in years. God, I’m old. Do I need social interaction that badly? Well, I’m 38 but I guess I do act like a retiree.

I know I tend to trigger people unintentionally, but even I have to admit that could have been worded better. I was honestly hopeful that this one would be able to fix the range top over the stove which was burning out the new lights I put in every week. She had almost a full five-star rating on HomeAdvisor. What a shame.

At least I know what needs to be fixed. The question is, can I find anyone that will actually do the work and not want to bury me six feet under?

The sad part is that given my luck, this chick probably had a creepy vibe fetish and I was unintentionally playing on it. I really need to vet the next person via their social media accounts before I schedule an appointment. I guess…

“GOOGLE REQUIRES YOUR ATTENTION”

“EMAIL FROM A E S 2 6 AT S T R O X N E T DOT COM”

“HELLO DA…”

“Stop stop stop, oh man I hate that,” I said as I jumped and ran for my MacBook to get it to stop talking in that creepy voice. I always forget to turn off the volume after I get done with my morning Skype meetings. I really miss my PC.

I didn’t recognize the email, but it was automatically sorted into my ‘Don’t Do It’ folder, which meant I might be getting some extra money this month in exchange for reasons to hate my life more.

“Let’s see what we’ve got.”

I don’t know if this is a prank or if you are real, but I’m told that you have this way with stopping bad things. I have a work problem that keeps annoying me and I think they are going to do something dangerous. Can you help?

“Super-vague much? Ah god, I need to stop saying that,” I said as I chided myself for sounding like an idiot—again.

What exactly was I supposed to do with this? Also, the fact that they allowed ‘Iz’ anywhere in a message to another human being really got on my nerves. Enough to where I almost dismissed the request entirely.

I figured I would give it some thought later and closed it. I spent the next two hours searching for a new electrician. So many options, so few that are licensed and bonded with a decent rating.

I received a Facebook notification via email about 45 minutes later. Turns out I was tagged in a comment by the last electrician, and unfortunately, I was right about her. I think I would have preferred that she thought I really was a creep. I wanted exactly zero of that, and I wasn’t in the mood for getting liquored up, so I figured I should probably take another glance at the email I received earlier.

Reading it again, it looked like something I probably don’t want to be involved in, but I am looking to move to a more remote location so the more funds I have, the more I can afford. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to bite.

Hello, My name is Dan, and I don’t know. I think you have the wrong idea about me. I don’t stop bad things so much as I create worse situations that sometimes are beneficial to those that ask for my help—depending on the goals. I must stress that if this request is for the protection of yourself or others, or if it is out of concern, then it will likely work out to your benefit. If it is for revenge, I promise it will go south and never stop. I have no idea why it tends to work out that way, it just does. Regardless of which, should we proceed with an arrangement, you will almost certainly come to hate me or at least strongly dislike me. If you still want to meet, let me know. -Dan

With that done and sent, I proceeded to do some more searching for an electrician that might work out for me.

Not two minutes later I get a reply.

“GOOGLE REQ…”

“Mute mute mute… shit,” I said as I had forgotten to mute the machine. I really did need to pay more attention.

Yes, we can meet. I don’t mind hating you. You would just be one of many.

“Wow, red-flag much… yeah no. I should probably bring my peashooter and wear some normal clothes for this one…” I thought to myself as I tried to figure out how to diffuse the inevitable.

I knew if someone was already talking like that, then in my experience it would take a frequent and consistent series of God-level miracles for it to not end up exactly FUBARed. I tended to amplify the natural outcome of those sorts of things.

So, I replied back to them with the address of a sushi restaurant a couple of miles away, along with a time between 1 and 2 pm. I’d learned my lesson before about meeting strangers—never do it at a place you frequent. That way if the owner or manager decides they don’t like you either, you won’t get kicked out of a place you like. Or hunted down.

Hello again, If the intent and money is right, then it could be worth it for me. Let’s meet at FuKu Sushi on 3rd Avenue and Milwaukee St. It’s just past the Arby’s. The back parking is easier to get out of when it’s time to leave. I will be there between 1pm and 2pm for lunch today. If you show up, I’ll assume we have business to discuss. If you don’t then no harm, no foul. -Dan

With that sent, I went back to my search for an electrician.

Chapter 4: Meeting Aine Eoghan Suttie

I took a seat at a booth midway on the far wall. Not obviously in the corner, and not in a place that you’d expect to have a meeting. A little too open for that. If this turned out to be bad, I wanted to have the option to slip out as a normal customer.

Pronounced awn-ye, o-in, sutt-ie. The first three letters of their email address. Okay. If they’re going to do that, then they likely have an online profile I can at least browse while I’m here eating and waiting…

It was surprisingly easy to track down the online profile of the person who emailed me. I really should have done that first before I replied to her the first time. This one was NUTS! Or at least, that’s the face she put on. I’m of course assuming that the name is accurate, and it is in fact a she. I can do weird, but I do draw a line.

Apparently, this person likes to go to raves and enjoys those who have good pyro and light shows. She also seems to have a fondness for sheep whereas you might have assumed Hello Kitty. Graduated from UCLA, major in Chinese history, minor in Irish folklore. Okay, odd mixture.

As I sat there wondering why there was no close-up of her, I noticed someone quite… noticeable… walk in. It was clearly her—dressed in an old-style black dress of some kind. That wasn’t what gave it away. What gave it away was the stuffed sheep she was holding. THAT was not on her profile!

“What in the…” was all I could say. I would have bet serious money she was not entirely stable.

I sat there keeping her at the corner of my eye as I poked at my laptop. I couldn’t quite decide if I wanted to pursue this or take off… that is until she picked up one of the plastic menus and casually walked over and sat down directly across from me.

For all of my preparation, I failed to notice that I was the only customer aside from her in the place. The second I realized that, I laughed. I actually couldn’t stop laughing for a minute or two. I really did need to get out more.

“Are you done yet?”

I knew it would happen as soon as I started, and while it wasn’t my intent, she was clearly thinking that I was laughing at her stuffed animal.

“No, it’s not you, it’s me…” as I tried to stop laughing.

“You lie like a fly.”

A tacky line like that followed by another tacky line could only have one effect—to make me start laughing harder.

“I don’t know Aine, he doesn’t look all that reliable to me. Are you sure this is the right guy?” said the stuffed sheep in her arm.

It is a rare occurrence that I ever laugh so hard it hurts, because things in my life are rarely funny. However, I truly thought she was doing a ventriloquist act, and she was pulling it off well.

Imagine this: a girl clearly older than 20 (due to having graduated college) but not so definitive that you could tell specifically what age she was just by looking at her.

“What in the…” I repeated. I knew the moment it happened, but couldn’t put my finger on what exactly did happen.