Key Psychological Concepts for Personal Well-Being
Dr. Kaufman’s Sailboat Model of Needs
The Hull (the base of the boat): Represents our security and stability needs—things like safety, connection, and self-esteem. If the hull has “holes” (like trauma, fear, or instability), we cannot really move forward because all our energy goes into surviving or patching it up. These are the foundations that keep the boat steady.
The Sail: Stands for our growth and exploration needs—curiosity, purpose, love, and creativity. When we feel safe and stable, we can “open our sail” to explore new things, take risks, and grow. The sail helps us move toward self-actualization and fulfillment.
The Ocean: Symbolizes life and the unpredictable world around us. There will always be waves, storms, and uncertainty, but a strong hull and an open sail help us navigate it better.
The Major Happiness Chemicals
The left prefrontal cortex is more activated when we are happy.
Dopamine (the reward chemical): Associated with pleasure and motivation when you accomplish something or anticipate success.
Serotonin: Contributes to feelings of happiness and regulates mood, appetite, and sleep. Low levels are linked to worry, anxiety, and the fight-or-flight response. Sunlight and being outside can help boost levels.
Oxytocin: Associated with social bonding, trust, and emotional support within couples. It is released during breastfeeding and can also contribute to in-group favoritism.
Opiates: A variety of neurotransmitters and endorphins that appear to increase pleasure and decrease pain, responsible for the “runner’s high.” Exercise, laughter, and singing can increase them.
Self-Esteem and Narcissism
Healthy Self-Esteem
Healthy self-esteem consists of two parts: self-worth (liking and respecting yourself; feeling you matter) and mastery (believing you are capable and effective). It is built through warmth, genuine connection, and competence, not comparison or overpraise. True confidence equals authentic pride, which comes from real effort and growth, not ego. People with healthy self-esteem believe they are worthy and competent and strive for intimate relationships but do not necessarily view themselves as superior to others. Both self-esteem and narcissism start developing around age 7. Self-esteem is lowest in adolescence and slowly increases through life.
Narcissism
Narcissism peaks in adolescence and slowly decreases through life. Psychologists often conflate it with high self-esteem. Both rely on external validation, which can be like an “addiction to self-esteem.”
- Grandiose Narcissism: Loud, dominant, seeks power and status, lacks empathy, and sees people as winners versus losers.
- Vulnerable Narcissism: Insecure, hypersensitive, fears rejection, is rooted in shame or trauma, and hides behind perfectionism.
How to Foster Healthy Self-Esteem
Focus on authentic pride (earned, not inflated). Build self-esteem through relationships, purpose, and mastery. Practice self-acceptance and use therapies like CBT, ACT, or DBT to quiet harsh inner voices. The goal is a stable sense of worth that does not depend on praise.
Types of Meaning in Life
Mindfulness vs. Meditation
Understanding and Overcoming Perfectionism
Procrastination is not always about time management. It is also about emotional regulation. We procrastinate when tasks trigger discomfort.
What is Perfectionism?
Perfectionism is a multidimensional personality trait characterized by overly high personal standards, critical evaluations of oneself and others, and striving for flawlessness.
Dimensions of Perfectionism
- Five dimensions: concern over mistakes, personal standards, parental expectations, parental criticism, and doubts about actions.
- Three dimensions: self-oriented, other-oriented, and socially-prescribed perfectionism.
- There is a difference between perfectionistic striving (adaptive) and concerns (maladaptive).
- The fear of imperfection leads to a loop: avoidance → time pressure → imperfect performance → self-criticism → higher standards.
Solutions for Perfectionism
- Cognitive: Challenge all-or-nothing thinking.
- Affective: Practice self-compassion.
- Behavioral: Break larger tasks into smaller actions with a clear next step.
- Environmental: Set up conditions that reduce friction.
Coping with Distorted Thinking
Distorted thinking involves irrational, biased thought patterns that twist reality and cause emotional suffering. These distortions act like filters that make us see only what confirms our fears or insecurities (confirmation bias) and ignore contradictory evidence.
Distortions often emerge when our self-esteem or security is threatened; they defend us (though maladaptively) by exaggerating danger, blame, or inadequacy.
Common Types of Distorted Thinking
- Black-and-White / All-or-Nothing Thinking: Things are either perfect or a total failure.
- Catastrophizing: Expecting the worst-case scenario.
- Overgeneralizing: One bad outcome means you will always be failing.
- Personalizing: Believing everything bad is because of you.
Coping Strategy
The first step is awareness and identification. Notice when your mind leaps to extremes.
Attachment Styles and Theory
Based on Bowlby and Ainsworth’s attachment theory, attachment styles are based on two dimensions—anxiety and avoidance—which form four quadrants, representing the balance of closeness and fear of rejection.
- Anxious Attachment: Craves intimacy and approval but fears abandonment. Prone to overthinking. It is a precursor to numerous developmental struggles.
- Secure Attachment: Comfortable with closeness and independence. Trusts, communicates, and handles conflict constructively. It allows the need for safety to be fulfilled, freeing people to explore, create, and love.
- Avoidant Attachment: Values independence and downplays the importance of relationships. Emotionally distant.
- Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: Desires closeness but fears harm. It often results from trauma and leads to push-pull behavior in relationships.