Healthy Romantic Relationships: Love Languages, Sex, Conflict & Repair

Posted on Feb 23, 2026 in Communication

Chapter 8 – Making a Love Connection

1) What are the love languages (5)?

Words of affirmation — verbal compliments, “I love you,” expressions of appreciation.

Quality time — focused, undivided attention; doing things together; being present.

Gifts/tokens — thoughtful items that show “I was thinking about you.”

Acts of service — helpful actions such as chores, errands, favors.

Physical touch — hand-holding, hugging, cuddling, kissing, sexual touch.

2) What is the difference between liking, loving, and passion?

Liking — affection, respect, trust, comfort, enjoying each other’s company.

Loving — deeper, more intense; stronger attachment; willingness to sacrifice; emotional and behavioral interdependence (your lives and feelings affect each other).

Passion — fascination with a partner, feeling the relationship is unique or exclusive, strong sexual desire and excitement.

3) Understand the three main points of Sternberg’s triangular theory of love

Love has three components:

Intimacy (warm) — emotional closeness, bonding, connection.
Latent love — internal closeness that may not be visible.
Manifest love — visible expressions such as hugging and caring actions.
Passion (hot) — physical attraction, sexual desire, infatuation, excitement.
Commitment (cool) — the cognitive decision to love and stay; a long-term choice, not just a feeling.

Different mixes of these components produce different love types (for example, intimacy plus passion without commitment, versus full “consummate love” with all three).

4) What are the three main love styles? What do they look like?

From Lee’s styles:

Eros — romantic love, intense physical attraction, passionate, emotional, sometimes described as “love at first sight.”
Storge — friendship love that grows out of friendship; slow-building, stable, comfortable.
Ludus — game-playing love; treats love as a game, avoids commitment, enjoys the chase and excitement more than seriousness.

5) What are the additional three love styles? What do they look like?

Agape (Eros + Storge) — compassionate, selfless love; puts partner first and is willing to give everything.
Mania (Eros + Ludus) — possessive, jealous, emotional highs and lows; can be obsessive and unstable.
Pragma (Storge + Ludus) — practical, logical love; focuses on compatibility and long-term fit (a “checklist” approach: age, education, values, lifestyle, etc.).

Chapter 9 – Communicating Sexually

1) Define hookups

Hookups — spontaneous, casual sexual encounters, often with an acquaintance or stranger; usually no expectation of a long-term relationship; can involve intimate kissing or touching and do not always include intercourse.

2) What are the seven types of friends with benefits? What do they look like?

True friends — genuine friends first, then add sex; strong friendship plus a sexual relationship.
Network opportunism — hookups mainly due to convenience (same friend group, parties, being around).
Just sex — little or no friendship; the relationship is primarily sexual and emotionally distant.
Successful transition — friends-with-benefits turns into a committed romantic relationship with mutual agreement.
Failed transition — one person wants more (romantic) while the other does not; leads to awkwardness, conflict, and potential friendship damage.
Unintentional — drifting into a friends-with-benefits arrangement without clear planning (“it just happened”).
Transition out — used as a way to transition out of a romantic relationship or friendship (exes or drifting people still having sex while moving apart).

3) How does sex differ in short-term and long-term relationships?

Short-term, early dating, and hookups — sex is more driven by passion, attraction, and opportunity; less about emotional intimacy and lower expectations of commitment.

Long-term relationships — both partners value interpersonal skills, emotional stability, responsiveness, affection, and family orientation; physical attraction still matters but emotional closeness and stability become more central.

Sex differences (biological and desire): Women typically invest more time and resources in parenting (pregnancy, childbirth, child-rearing), which affects mating and sexual strategies. Men, on average, tend to report a stronger sex drive, higher arousal to short-term opportunities, and desire influenced more by physical attraction and erotic qualities. Women tend to be more attracted to partners who are relationally oriented, emotionally connected, and who show tenderness, intimacy, humor, status, or intelligence; their desire often depends more on feelings and relationship type.

4) What are the types of sexual attitudes (3)?

Procreational — the main purpose of sex is reproduction or having children.
Relational — sex expresses love and affection and increases intimacy and emotional closeness.
Recreational — sex as fun, pleasure, excitement, or escape.

Extra details: Attitudes toward sexuality became more liberal from about 1965 to 2012, especially regarding premarital sex and female sexuality. Influences include culture, media (sexual scripts), parents, peers, and past relationships. Serial monogamy means being sexually active with only one partner at a time but having multiple different relationships over the life course.

Chapter 10 – Staying Close

1) What is the definition (4) of relational maintenance?

Relational maintenance — behaviors used to: (1) keep a relationship in existence, (2) keep the relationship at a specified state or stable level of intimacy (status quo), (3) keep the relationship in satisfactory condition, and (4) keep the relationship in repair (fix problems).

2) What are the five primary prosocial behaviors?

Prosocial maintenance behaviors that help closeness:

Positivity — upbeat, cheerful, kind; giving compliments and showing you like your partner.
Openness — sharing thoughts and feelings honestly; discussing the relationship.
Assurances — expressing commitment, talking about the future, saying “we’re in this” or “I care about us.”
Social networking — involving each other with family and friends; integrating social circles.
Task sharing — helping with chores, responsibilities, and favors; acting like a team.

3) What are the antisocial behaviors?

Antisocial maintenance behaviors (that maintain distance or control, not closeness):

Avoidance — physically or emotionally distancing.
Jealousy induction — trying to make a partner jealous.
Spying — snooping or secretly checking messages and social media.
Infidelity.
Destructive conflict — mean or hurtful fighting.
No flirting or withholding affection.
Talking about others in ways that provoke insecurity.

4) Understand the types (4) of online relationships

Virtual — only online, never or almost never meeting offline.
Pinocchio — online primary but meeting face-to-face occasionally (the online relationship “comes to life”).
Cyber emigrant — started face-to-face but moved mostly online later (for example, due to long distance; rely on technology).
Real-world, face-to-face — mostly offline in person; technology supports but does not replace face-to-face interactions.

5) How do strategic and routine maintenance behaviors differ?

Strategic — intentional, planned behaviors specifically aimed at maintaining the relationship (for example, scheduling serious talks, planning date nights, having “check-in” conversations).

Routine — everyday behaviors that are not consciously labeled as “maintenance” but still support the relationship (for example, saying good morning, casual texts, making coffee, hanging out). Routine behaviors happen frequently and are very important for long-term maintenance.

6) How are there changes in maintenance over the course of romantic relationships?

Across stages (casually dating, seriously dating, engaged, married):

Engaged and seriously dating couples use more openness and positivity.
Engaged and married couples use more assurances and task sharing.
Married couples report the most social networking (spending time with family and friends together).

Chapter 11 – Coping with Conflict

1) What are the (6) conflict styles?

Competitive fighting — direct and uncooperative; win/lose tactics; uses blaming and name-calling; linked to low satisfaction and poor competence.
Compromising — direct and moderately cooperative; each gives up something; part-win/part-lose; common in happy relationships.
Collaborating — direct and cooperative; problem-solving and negotiation that seeks win-win; viewed as most effective and appropriate.
Indirect fighting — indirect and uncooperative; passive aggression, sarcasm, shutting down; escalates tension and causes meta-conflict (fighting about how you fight).
Avoiding — indirect and somewhat neutral cooperation; non-confrontational and sidestepping conflict; lose-lose because issues stay unresolved.
Yielding (obliging/accommodating) — indirect and cooperative; glosses over differences, downplays disagreements, gives in (often to a more powerful partner); can make effective conflict management difficult.

2) What are the (4) main patterns of conflict interaction? (focus on the four horsemen)

(1) Negative reciprocity

Negative reciprocity is aggression leading to more aggression. Tactics include:

Flaming — hostile online messages, swearing, insults, name-calling.
Gunnysacking — saving up old grievances and dumping them all at once.
Kitchen sinking — bringing up every past issue in one fight.
Bringing in third parties — using others or their opinions as weapons.
Mind reading — assuming you know your partner’s thoughts or feelings.
Drama — interpersonal conflict in front of an active audience, often on social media.

(2) Demand–withdraw

One partner demands (wants to discuss issues and push change) while the other withdraws (avoids or shuts down). This pattern is more likely when the demander uses competitive or indirect fighting and is more prevalent in distressed or violent relationships. Either gender can be the demander or withdrawer in such relationships.

(3) The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (especially important)

Criticism — personal attacks that blame character rather than complaining about specific behavior.
Defensiveness — refusing responsibility and counter-attacking (“it’s not me, it’s you”).
Contempt — mocking, sarcasm, eye-rolling, hostile humor, and superiority; the most toxic predictor of breakup.
Stonewalling — shutting down and refusing to engage; often occurs after long cycles of criticism, defensiveness, and contempt.

(4) Accommodation

Instead of retaliating or withdrawing, a partner chooses cooperative responses: staying calm, listening, and problem-solving. Accommodation is more common in satisfying, committed relationships.

Extra: Emotional flooding — feeling overwhelmed by a partner’s negative emotion; leads to high physiological arousal (elevated heart rate and blood pressure), difficulty processing information, reliance on rigid habits, and a fight (aggress) or flight (withdraw) response.

Effective listening — let your partner speak, put yourself in their place, avoid jumping to conclusions, ask questions, and paraphrase what they say.

Chapter 13 – Relational Transgression

1) What is the definition of relational transgression?

Relational transgressions occur when people violate explicit or implicit relational rules. Top college examples include: (1) having sex with someone else, (2) wanting to or actually dating others, and (3) deceiving a partner about something significant. Other transgressions include flirting or kissing someone else, physical violence, keeping important secrets, becoming emotionally involved with someone else, and betraying a partner’s confidence.

Transgression-maximizing vs. minimizing messages:

Maximizing — highlight how bad the transgression is, blame the partner, and emphasize hurt (for example, “I can’t believe you did this; I’m so hurt”).

Minimizing — downplay severity (for example, “it was unintentional” or “not a big deal”), offering justifications or explanations.

2) How do we respond to hurtful messages (3)?

Hurtful messages — words that cause psychological pain; they are more painful if the person has a history of being hurt. Responses include:

Active verbal — confronting, asking questions, and expressing feelings such as anger or hurt.
Acquiescent — giving in, crying, apologizing, or accepting hurt; signaling sadness more than anger.
Invulnerable — acting unaffected (ignoring, laughing it off, withdrawing, avoiding eye contact) even if it still hurts inside.

3) What are the types (5) of deception?

Lies (falsifications/fabrications) — making up information or giving information opposite or very different from the truth.
Equivocation (evasion) — indirect, ambiguous, or contradictory statements.
Concealment (omission) — leaving out important or relevant information.
Exaggeration (overstatement) — stretching the truth to make things seem bigger or better.
Understatement (minimization) — downplaying parts of the truth.

Motives for deception:

Partner-focused — avoid hurting the partner, protect their self-esteem, avoid worrying them, or protect their relationships with others.
Self-focused — protect one’s own image or avoid embarrassment or punishment.
Relationship-focused — avoid conflict, avoid breakup, or prevent relational “trauma.”

Deception detection: Detection is difficult because there are no perfect cues. Relational closeness advantages include behavioral familiarity (you know their normal behavior) and informational familiarity (you know their history). Disadvantages include truth bias (you expect honesty) and behavioral control (they may know how to mask cues and act “normal”).

Chapter 14 – Healing the Hurt

1) Explain the Model of Accommodation

When problems occur, people can choose:

Exit (destructive) — leaving or threatening to leave the relationship.
Neglect (destructive) — letting the relationship worsen by ignoring issues and withdrawing effort.
Voice (constructive) — talking about issues, problem-solving, and negotiating.
Loyalty (constructive) — staying committed, hoping or waiting for improvement, and supporting a partner despite problems.

2) What are remedial strategies?

Remedial strategies are specific behaviors used after wrongdoing to correct problems, restore positive face, or repair the relationship. Types include:

Apologies & concessions — explicit “I’m sorry,” taking responsibility, and admitting fault.
Appeasement — efforts to make up for hurt, such as kind acts, gifts, extra affection, or doing favors.
Explanations —
- Excuses — reduce responsibility (for example, “I was drunk,” “I didn’t realize”).
- Justifications — argue that the behavior wasn’t that bad or was reasonable in context.
Denials — claim that no transgression happened or that the accusation is false.
Avoidance & evasion — dodging the topic or refusing to discuss the incident.
Relationship talk —
- Relationship invocation — “Our relationship means so much; let’s not throw it away.”
- Metatalk — talking about communication patterns themselves (for example, “we always shut down when upset”).

Forgiveness (extra but important): a relational process with four parts: (1) acknowledgment of harmful conduct, (2) extension of undeserved mercy, (3) emotional transformation, and (4) relationship renegotiation (deciding what the relationship looks like going forward).

Chapter 15 – Healing the Hurt (Ending Relationships)

1) What are the reasons (6) for why relationships end?

Infidelity & interest in a third party — extramarital or extrarelational sex usually damages a relationship and often leads to breakup; causality can go both ways (unhappy relationships may push people toward affairs). Women are more likely than men to cite infidelity as a principal reason for breakup or divorce.

Incompatibility — the folk phrase “opposites attract” is less accurate than “birds of a feather flock together.” Breakups can stem from lack of similarity in attitudes, activities, interests, or differences in ethnicity, religion, socioeconomic background, education, intelligence, emotional involvement, or health.

Alcohol & drugs — substance abuse is a top reason for marital breakup in studies; it can cause violence, addiction, legal trouble, money problems, and work problems, creating major strain on a relationship.

Growing apart — due to diverging interests, reduced quantity or quality of communication, physical or emotional distance, reduced maintenance efforts, and competition from many other relationships or activities in modern life.

Loss of love — chronic dissatisfaction and relationship disillusionment (seeing the partner or relationship in an increasingly negative light and losing hope).

Equity issues related to family obligations — one partner feels the division of labor or obligations is unfair. Women are about 3.5 times more likely than men to cite a partner not meeting family obligations as a reason for divorce. Superwoman syndrome describes the expectation that women both work outside the home and do the majority of home and family work.

2) What are the indirect/unilateral ways to break up?

Indirect and unilateral methods: one person initiates the end without direct communication. Types include:

Ghosting — abruptly stopping all contact with no explanation.
One-way fade — gradually and repeatedly decreasing communication and availability until contact stops.
Cost escalation — behaving worse on purpose (rude, distant, unreliable, annoying) so the partner will want to leave or initiate the breakup.
Third-party manipulation — using others to signal loss of interest (leaking information to friends, talking openly about dating others so it gets back to the partner).
Pseudo de-escalation — saying “let’s take a break” or “let’s just be friends” while the real intention is to end the relationship.

3) What are the indirect/bilateral ways to break up?

Mutual fade-out — both partners gradually stop initiating; communication becomes less frequent, shorter, and less meaningful; there is no direct breakup talk but the relationship simply dies out.

4) What are the direct/bilateral ways to break up?

Direct and bilateral approaches include:

The blame game — both partners directly blame each other for problems; often emotionally intense and confrontational.
The negotiated farewell — a calm, joint decision to end the relationship; both discuss reasons and logistics and may try to remain respectful or friends; often best for closure.

5) Explain Duck’s process model

Duck’s five-stage model of dissolution:

Intrapsychic process — internal reflection; one or both partners think about negatives, compare costs and benefits, and ask “Am I happy? Is this worth it?” often without voicing concerns yet.
Dyadic process — dissatisfaction becomes expressed; partners discuss problems, argue, negotiate, and may attempt repair; if unsuccessful, they move toward breakup.
Social process — going public; telling friends and family about problems or the breakup and presenting one’s side of the story.
Grave dressing process — coping after the breakup by creating a breakup narrative that is socially acceptable and protects self-image; reframing the past relationship.
Resurrection process — post-breakup growth; forming a new identity without the partner, reflecting on lessons learned, and imagining future relationships and what to do differently.