Cultivating Self-Compassion: Balancing Emotion Systems
“It’s possible to train ourselves to experience greater compassion and love.” (Gilbert, 2009)
Why Self-Criticism Fails Us
- We are often unkind to ourselves.
- The core message we internalize is often: “We are not good enough” unless we excel in specific areas (achievements, appearance, social skills, etc.).
- A critical attitude contributes to feelings of stress, insecurity, aggression, and sadness.
- It does not contribute to happiness and well-being.
- Unhappiness often stems from focusing on things we are dissatisfied with.
- The belief that “You need to be tough to remain standing in our society” is contradicted by research.
Positive Psychology: Compassion and Well-being
Positive psychology emphasizes that compassion and self-appreciation are essential factors for well-being.
Benefits of a Compassionate Attitude
- A compassionate and appreciative attitude towards yourself and others:
- Relieves suffering and promotes well-being.
- Leads to greater achievement.
- Fosters greater relaxation and balance.
Note: Practice is needed because it is biologically given that our attention is more easily focused on potential threats than on positive experiences.
What is Compassion? (Gilbert’s Definition)
- Gilbert defines compassion as:
- The ability to be sensitive, engage with suffering, and possess the courage to take action to alleviate or prevent suffering.
- Applying compassion and love reduces fear and aggression, bringing peace.
- Self-criticism is a form of attacking the self; conversely, compassion is a form of nursing the self.
- (Self-) Compassion can coexist with unpleasant emotions (fear, anger, sadness).
- It is a state of feeling that is all-encompassing (as is love).
- It reinforces the ability to self-heal when processing unpleasant experiences (leading to post-traumatic growth).
Self-appreciation (being satisfied with yourself the way you are) is viewed as an extension of self-compassion.
Neurobiology and Training Self-Compassion
- Neurobiology explains how we respond to life challenges and helps us train self-compassion through understanding the Three Emotion-Regulation Systems.
- Humans often experience an imbalance resulting from an underdeveloped calming system.
- Consequently, either or both of the other systems are often overdeveloped.
The Three Emotion-Regulation Systems (Gilbert, 2009)
1. The Threat System (Always on High Alert)
- Its function is to identify potential threats.
- Emotions (fear, aggression, or disgust) are triggered, prompting us to act accordingly (fighting, fleeing, or freezing).
- This occurs in times of real, imaginary, or supposed danger.
- Triggered unpleasant emotions serve to protect us and keep us safe.
- The brain does not recognize the difference between diverse fears (e.g., fear of being hurt vs. fear of being excluded); it simply initiates its standard danger response.
- The system relaxes once the threat has passed.
- The brain prioritizes the activation of this system if a threat is perceived (even when the situation is otherwise pleasant), sometimes leading to overestimation.
- This system can be overdeveloped in people with traumatic experiences or increased threats during life, meaning only a minor trigger (like a fearful thought) is needed to activate it.
Crucial Point: Without the Threat System, no species would survive.
2. The Drive System (“I’m Never Satisfied”)
- This system is important for survival and growth.
- Its motivations are wants and desires; fulfilling them is pleasant.
- It can be activated even if basic needs have long since been met.
- Desires can be saturated only briefly, causing an agitated form of drive that results in the unpleasant feeling that “nothing is ever enough.”
- Example: This system is exhaustively trained in our consumer society and exploited by commerce.
3. The Soothing/Affiliation System (“I Relax and Recover”)
- This system is important for relaxation and recovery.
- It generates pleasant feelings such as satisfaction, inner peace, and well-being.
- Endorphins and oxytocin are released, which reduce cortisol and adrenaline (both stress hormones).
- It creates long-term resources and reserves.
- It is often less developed or inactive in people who have felt little love or appreciation during their lives.
- There is also little room for it in our competitive consumer society.
- This system is not fixed in our brains; it is activated by giving ourselves the care and love we need to enjoy life.
- Goal of Compassion Training: To activate the calming system and restore balance among the three systems.
Warning: Without the Soothing/Affiliation System, we risk exhaustion.